
Class. 
Book. 



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PRESENTED liY 



* 



Orthodoxy 



BY THE SAME AUTHOR 

ORTHODOXY 

THE IMPOSSIBLE BOY 

IN SEARCH OF ARCADY 



ORTHODOXY 

by NINA WILCOX PUTNAM 



NEW YORK 
MITCHELL KENNERLEY 

1914 



J. H, H, 






Gill 
l*ublisher 

DEC 4 ISM 



COPYRIGHT I914 BY 
MITCHELL KENNERLEY 

NOV -4 1914 



CHARACTERS 



THE SEXTON 

THE ANCIENT WOMAN 

THE minister's WIFE 

THE LAND AGENT 

THE agent's wife 

THE BUTCHER 

THE butcher's WIFE 

FIRST GIRL 

SECOND GIRL 

THIRD GIRL 

FIRST YOUTH 

SECOND YOUTH 

THIRD YOUTH 

THE BASSO 

THE SOPRANO 



THE TENOR 
THE CONTRALTO 
THE CHORUS 
FIRST FARMHAND 
SECOND FARMHAND 
A WORTHY CITIZEN 
THE RICH BACHELOR 
THE OLD MAID 
THE MINISTER 
THE GREAT GOD PAN 
THE IDIOT 

THE idiot's MOTHER 
THE CHOIR 
THE ORGANIST 
THE STRANGER 



Note 

It must he thoroughly realized that the char- 
acters of this play are intended to give voice to 
their actual, private thought of the moment; 
hut are intended to do so in the usual tone and 
manner of polite conventionality. Their ges- 
tures and voices must he those of people under 
perfectly normal conditions, and everything 
done to stimulate realization hy the audience 
of the fact that it is the secret minds of the 
characters which are heing portrayed. They, 
the characters, are simply saying what they are 
really thinking in the situation in which they 
are presented, instead of employing the empty 
social forms which we are accustomed to hear- 
ing people actually give voice to. 



9 



Author's Preface 

There has always been a peculiar fascina- 
tion for me in the realization that while peo- 
ple were saying one thing, they were almost 
invariably thinking another. In certain cir- 
cumstances we all realize this to be true, as in 
formal greetings and the expression of social 
amenities; and we read through the convenient 
form with comparative ease. A great deal of 
the time, however, we have to dodge about 
among the deliberately misleading words used 
by those with whom we come in contact, seeking 
here and there to find their real meaning, and 
this is a confusing and tiring task: one of those 
vicarious expenditures of energy of which the 
world has altogether too many. Words are 
themselves pitfalls of misunderstanding. To 
each of us their meaning varies slightly In all 
but the simplest forms, and even these may 
readily be applied with totally different sig- 
nificance. As for the confusion which intona- 
tion puts upon the spoken word, differentiating 

9 



10 Author's Preface 

It from the same word when written, and the 
mistaken Interpretations resulting therefrom, I 
need say nothing, as they are too widely ac- 
knowledged to need further comment. Berg- 
son, the eminent French philosopher, points 
out that It Is almost Impossible really to con- 
vey anything through so clumsy a medium as 
language: and the experiment of asking a 
group of people to define the meaning of a 
simple word like "quite,'' for Instance, will 
convince anyone of the truth of this. 

Now granting that under the best of circum- 
stances It Is difficult for us to understand each 
other, why Is it not indeed a wasteful thing to 
expend good energy on further disguise of our 
own thoughts? It Is infinitely easier to be as 
direct as words permit, and the resulting re- 
action upon one's acquaintance Is intensely in- 
teresting. 

However far we may be from this ideal of 
genuinely frank intercourse between humans, 
if we possess the least curiosity about the 
actual foundations upon which other people's 
lives are grounded, we can never cease from 
seeking to discover, or at least to guess, what 



Author's Preface ii 

is actually passing In their minds as their lips 
move over some empty formula — even when 
the formula is empty only from a familiarity 
which has brought it into contempt, and could 
and should be full of most poignant meaning, 
as in the case of the (omitted) sacred service 
in my play. 

For of all places In which to look for feeling 
which rings high, and words holding true 
meaning, a church is the most likely. And yet 
It was my childish observation of those who 
sat around me in the bare white church to 
which my grandmother took me as a little girl, 
that inspired my writing of what I hold to be in 
no way a sacrilegious play. In those long 
hours when I sat In the red cushioned pew, 
my feet dangling over its edge, quick with re- 
strained energy, my eyes fixed upon the bit of 
sky beyond the tall windows over the clergy- 
man's head; in those long hours I knew that 
I was not thinking of the words I repeated so 
mechanically; and by a thousand tokens I knew 
that the others about me were not doing so 
either! In every way they betrayed them- 
selves — there ^was no ecstasy upon their faces. 



12 Author's Preface 



they were infinitely more conscious of their 
neighbors* clothes than of the minister's words. 
For years I watched them, these smug, com- 
fortable congregations, who had no concep- 
tion of the wonder and stupendous import of 
the service through which they sat so calmly, 
and hastened forth from, with gossip hot upon 
their lips. And then the notion came to me 
to write out all that I guessed to be the truth 
about them. All that I felt artistically certain 
was the truth: to put into the mouths of the 
congregation the things I guessed they were 
thinking. I do not say that I knew they were 
thinking so, for a positive statement is a pit- 
fall for truth. But I guessed at it with that 
same conviction of having hit it right with 
which one looks Into the utterly bored face of 
a departing guest and guesses that his " such 
a delightful time" means "I have had a hate- 
ful time." And so I have put down the service 
as I heard It with my every instinct when I was 
a child: and as I guessed it with my mind as 
an adult. 

I do not wish to convey, however, that I be- 
lieve that there are no really good people in 



Author's Preface 13 



churches. The Contralto, who hears the voice 
of Pan, is a *' good " woman, because she is 
real. Therefore she can hear Pan, But like 
most real people she is frankly groping as far 
as her religious feeling goes. She knows that 
it makes her happy to sing, and to give her 
copper to the poor, and that both things pertain 
to religion: she knows, too, that the voice of 
Pan, the earthly god whose hoofs are pungent 
of meadow loam, and who speaks to the ears 
of youth, and sets the good flesh a-tingle, can 
be heard in churches, and that there is noth- 
ing incongruous in the fact: also she is suf- 
ficiently well-balanced to hear him, but not to 
lose sanity, and so see him. Alas! she is 
typical, I fear, of the minority, in which I have 
put her! 

I have intended no propaganda in the play, 
save that which you may deduce from it your- 
self, if you so wish. Make your own interpre- 
tations (as indeed you will without my telling 
you to). I have simply been curious: and this 
is the result of my exploration. 

N. W. P. 



Orthodoxy 

A Play in One Act 

Nina Wilcox Putnam 

Scene: The interior of a church. The audi' 
ence sees a half-section of the building as 
though it had been cut lengthwise through the 
near side of the centre aisle, leaving it intact 
and running parallel with and immediately be- 
hind the footlights. As the entire width of the 
aisle is shown, the platform with reading-desk 
and minister's seat stands complete beneath a 
sort of proscenium arch. Below the reading- 
desk, upon which is an enormous Bible, and 
occupying the end of the aisle-carpet, is the 
communion table, with mottled marble top and 
hideous carved legs of zvalnut. Below this, 
and extending to the aisle, are other pews with 
doors, facing the pulpit in the usual manner, 

15 



1 6 Orthodoxy 



The woodwork is white-painted and the pews 
cushioned in crimson, while the walls are sten- 
cilled in imitation of carved mouldings. 
Through the row of long, undecorated win- 
dows at the rear the sun is shining gaily, and 
a glimpse of blue sky and waving trees may 
he had. At the right is the organ-loft, shown 
sectionally, and beneath this is the entrance 
to the church. At rise of curtain the Sexton 
is discovered tidying the church with a last few 
touches: closing the doors of one or two pews, 
making sure that there are hymn-hooks in the 
racks and finally giving the contribution plate 
a brush with his pocket-handkerchief. He is 
a dyspeptic-looking man of perhaps forty years 
of age, whose chin recedes timidly into the 
enormous folds of a ready-made four-in-hand 
tie. His ill-fitting frock coat hangs loosely, but 
for all that he has an air of complacent self- 
importance. The church-bell is ringing. 

The Sexton 

They will all look at me as they come In. 
I'm Important on Sundays, anyhow. What 
a sense of consequence It gives me to bustle 



Orthodoxy 17 



about, getting things ready! That's what I 
get out of this job ! The stipend is nothing, 
the sentiment is nothing: but I put on these 
clothes and they all look at me, whereas they 
would do nothing of the sort othen^ase. 
. . . Now I must go and stand by the 
door and show them to their seats, as they 
arrive. ... I wonder if the town-clerk 
will wear the shoes I made for him ! Con- 
found him, I wish he would pay for them I 
\^He goes to the entrance door and opens it, 
letting in a patch of sunlight and disclosing 
the steps of the building and a hit of view. 
^He takes up his stand just inside, facing the 
audience, and adjusts his clothes self-con- 
sciously. A strange, wild laugh is heard, hut 
the Sexton seems not to hear it. Presently 
the Very Ancient Woman enters. She is 
bent nearly double and walks with a stick. 
She is slightly palsied and her thin, wrinkled 
face is clear and calm. She is the very pic- 
ture of ancient piety. The Sexton accom- 
panies her, and each principal who enters 
thereafter, to their pews, with a courtesy of 
manner which utterly contradicts his Ian- 



1 8 Orthodoxy 



guage. Their manner is also a contradiction 
to their words^ 

The Sexton 

Well, old crone! What a nuisance it is to 
have to assist your doddering footsteps up 
the aisle every Sunday! 

The Ancient Woman 

Thank goodness I am the first! Last Sun- 
day the butcher's wife got here before me, 
and so I missed seeing her come in. But to- 
day I'll miss no one. 

The Sexton [assisting her into a pew"] 

Old stupid! Tuck your skirt in, can't you? 

The Ancient Woman [gazing around with 
a?i air of satis faction^ 

This is fine ! So much better than staying at 
home alone. I would not miss it for worlds ! 
[The Minister's Wife enters with two small 
girl children, one on either hand. She ex- 



Orthodoxy 19 

changes a surreptitious how with the Sexton 
and hurries to a front pew} 

The Minister's Wife [as she goes down the 
aisle} 
Oh, I hope the roast will not burn while I 
am gone! That wretched stove I My gar- 
ter hurts. Shall I be able to adjust it, I won- 
der? No! Some one might see: I shall have 
to sit in misery. The whole congregation 
will watch me ; but no matter how I act, they 
will talk about it afterward. . « . If 
only the children will be quiet I I will pray 
for that. [She enters the pew and kneels, 
burying her face in her hands, while the lit- 
tle girls sit staring about, round-eyed'] 

The Sexton [returning to door] 

Poor woman, what a silly face she has ! 
[Enter the Land Agent and his Wife] 

The Land Agent [to the Sexton] 

If this were the place to talk about such 
things I would tell you that I am going to 
evict you to-morrow. 



20 Orthodoxy 



The Sexton 

How you glare at me, sir I Positively, I am 
tempted to rob the plate in order to pay 
you I 

The Agent's Wife 
I have on a new hat. 

[^The laugh rings out again, hut no one 
heeds^ 

The Sexton Ismiling politely'] 

Here is your pew. I wish its floor would 
collapse and drop you both through. 

The Agent's Wife 

I have on a new hat! [She kneels and con- 
tinues repeating the sentence softly for a 
moment] 
[Enter the Butcher and his Wife] 

The Butcher 

Thank fortune, the All-pervading Power, if 
there really is any such, cannot possibly 
know about that overcharge I made. He , 



Orthodoxy 2 1 



will only see the fine waistcoat which I 
bought with it! 

The Butcher's Wife 

How religious I look! It is so respectable 
to go to church with one's husband I 

The Ancient Woman 

She has on her last summer's gown I 

The Sexton [to the butcher, gentally'\ 
I'll beat you at pinochle yet, old man I 
[Enter three Young Gtrls~\ 

First Girl 

See my new hat, see my new hat! It has 
pink, pink roses upon it. 

Second Girl 

Her hat is not any better than my shoes. 
Look at my shoes. 

Third Girl 

He has not come as yet! 



22 Orthodoxy 



The Sexton [shozvs them a seat'\ 

Here, you charming things I How pkimp the 
eldest is : I would like to pinch her. 

Third Girl [kneeling^ 

How the sexton smells of pomade: he sick- 
ens me. When will my beloved come I 

First Girl [kneeling] 

My new hat, see my new hat, see it, see it I 

Second Girl [kneeling] 

My shoes, my shoes I They hurt, but see 
how white they are. 

[The church fills more rapidly now, with a 
crowd of country folk. The named Charac- 
ters co?ne in, forzvard, along the outer edge 
of the aisle. The gallery begins to fill] 
[Enter two Youths] 

The Sexton 

Louts I You can find your own places I 

Third Girl 

It Is he I Will he not look at me? 



Orthodoxy 23 



First Youth 

I'here Is the grocer's daughter. How she 
stares I I wish she would stop It, for she 
makes me uneasy. Now If It were the young 
matron yonder, who looked at me once with 
soft eyes. . . . 

Second Youth 

The grocer's daughter will not look at me. 

Alas I 

[^Enter Third Youth^ 

Third Youth 

How my shirt scratches me, how my shirt 

scratches me I 

l^Kneels, repeating~\ 

\_The Organist begins to play very softly, 

and the Choir straggle in and take their 

places^ 

The Basso 

If you don't keep on the key this morning, 
Miss Soprano, I shall go mad I 

The Soprano 

You have a wretched ear for music I 



24 Orthodoxy 



The Chorus [tittering'] 

We are really as good as they, the conceited 
things I 

The Tenor 

This choir would go all to pieces if it were 
not for me. At least I must contrive to 
keep them thinking so. 

The Contralto 

Oh, the music, the music! Once a week at 
least I can sing to the organ. How glad I 
am — how glad I am to sing! 
[The laugh rings out again, and at the sound 
of it the Contralto smiles and hums over her 
part under her breath. No one else heeds] 
[Enter two Farmhands] 

First Farmhand 

I don't really know what it is all about, but 
let us sit down. 

Second Farmhand 

No more do I understand it; but it's very 
respectable. 



Orthodoxy 25 



\_Enter a JVorthy Citizen and his Wife, to- 
gether with a Rich Bachelor, They talk as 
they walk up the aisle and become seated in 
the same pew^ 

The Worthy Citizen [to the Rich Bachelor] 
Our business is going well, friend, and not 
the less so because we show ourselves regu- 
larly in this House! 

The Rich Bachelor 

Yes, yes I And how fine it is to know that 
as we walk up here, everyone is looking and 
whispering, and wondering how much money 
we really have ! [He kneels and murmurs] 
I hope dinner will be on time to-day. 

The Sexton 

I will bow obsequiously to you, and perhaps 
you will lend me the money that will save me 
from eviction! I hope you are seated com- 
fortably ! 
[Enter the Old Maid] 

The Old Maid [hurrying primly to a front 
pew] 



26 Orthodoxy 



Will the men look at me as I pass? Ah! 
There is no desire in their eyes. [Kneels 
in her pew\ I am a-weary, blowing on cold 
ashes I 

The Sexton 

Ah I She was a wild one when I was a boy, 
the slut! The village never found her out, 
though I 

[Enter a Common Woman with her son, the 
'village Idiot. They seat themselves mid- 
way down the aisle, in direct line with one 
of the gaunt windows, the sash of which is 
half open. During the scene which follows, 
the Idiot keeps staring at this window, where 
presently appears the Great God Pan. Pan 
it is who has been laughing, and he seats him- 
self upon the sill, where he and the Idiot 
can see each other. They talk on terms of 
old intimacy, using many gestures, and are 
entirely oblivious to everything save each 
other. No one but the Idiot sees Pan or 
hears what he says, nor what the Idiot says 
to him. When the Idiot speaks to Pan, his 
language is intelligible. When he replies to 



Orthodoxy 27 



his mother's rebuke, he is able to make noth- 
ing but a terrible, meaningless sound in his 
throat. The Contralto, in the organ loft, 
seems to realize Pan is present, but she can- 
not see him. The tolling of the hell ceases, 
and the Minister, a smug young man in a 
white stock, walks briskly up the aisle, a 
Bible under his arm^ 

The Minister 

Ah! They can never begin without Mel I 
am the whole show, here I It is really a very 
desirable job, mine! 

\^He goes to the platform, mounts the steps 
and, standing behind the reading-desk, half 
closes his eyes, stretching out his hands to 
the Congregation, who lean forward in 
prayer^ 

The Minister [as though praying] 

Lean forward uncomfortably now, all of you, 
and listen, or don't listen, exactly as you like. 
But do steal a covert look at me, as I stand 
here in this picturesque and sanctified atti- 
tude. Here we are, gathered together in 



2 8 Orthodoxy 



this house, and I can't think of a single 
original thing to say, try as I will. I am 
going to be very dull, I know, but it gives 
me a sort of pleasant sense of importance to 
be doing it, and it will be over in about an 
hour, and then we will all be at liberty to go 
our several ways. Amen! 
[During the dialogue between Pan and the 
Idiot, the Minister and the congregation go 
on with the motions of the service^ 

The Idiot [to Pan'] 

Hello! Won't you come In? 

Pan 

It is warmer here in the sunlight. 

The Idiot 

I will come out to you presently. Can you 
see the ocean from there? 

Pan 

Yes. I was down upon the sands early this 

morning and saw. 

[His voice is lost in the sound of the Con- 



Orthodoxy 29 



gregation singing, although the two are seen 
to go on talking unconcernedly. The Con- 
gregation has arisen and sings: 

Praise Gold from which all blessings flow, 
Praise it ye creatures here below; 
Praise It all ye Heavenly Hosts, 
Slave for gold till ye give up your ghosts I 
[The Congregation resumes its seats^^ 

Pan 

. . . and the leaves all caressed each 
other and laughed for love of it 1 

The Idiot 

And did the south wind never come back? 

Pan 

yes! The south wind it was that played 
about the barren branches this very spring, 
coaxing the young leaves to come out again. 
She and the sun, you know, are lovers, and 

1 will tell you a story about them, which a 
famous Greek historian, who was my good 
friend, wrote. You see it came about thus. 
. . . \_Pan^s voice is drowned out by that 
of the Minister] 



30 Orthodoxy 



The Minister 

We will now read the ninth selection of the 
psalter, page one hundred and twenty. The 
ninth selection. 

My son, forget not my law: but let thine 
heart keep my commandments. 

The Congregation 

For length of days, and long life and peace, 
shall they add to thee. 

The Minister 

Let not cunning and deceit forsake thee : bind 
them about thy neck; write them upon the 
tablets of thy heart. 

The Congregation 

So shalt thou find favor and good under- 
standing in the sight of man. 

The Minister 

Trust in Gold with all thy heart; and lean 
not unto thine own understanding. 

The Congregation 

In all ways acknowledge Gold, and it shall 
direct thy paths. 



Orthodoxy 3 1 



The Minister 

Be wise in thine own eyes; fear Good and 
depend on evil. 

The Congregation 

It shall be health to thy navel and marrow 
to thy bones. 

The Minister 

Honor Success with thy substance, and with 
the first fruits of all thine increase. 

The Congregation 

So shall thy barrels be filled with plenty, 
and thy presses shall burst out with new 
wine. 

The Minister 

Happy is the man that findeth cunning and 
getteth unscrupulous. 

The Congregation 

For the merchandise of it is begotten of the 
merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof, 
fine gold. 



32 Orthodoxy 



Pan 

. . . And there they lay upon the bank 
of scented ferns, until her sister, the west 
wind, drew away the grey curtain of night, 
while Mrs. Aurora extinguished the stars, 
one by one, and raised her flaming shield 
against the eastern horizon! 

The Idiot 

A lovely story, that! But who is Mrs. Au- 
rora? 

Pan 

A light lady of my acquaintance, much given 
to chariot-racing, I regret to say. A noisy 
party, not scrupling to awaken sleepers ! 

The Idiot 

Tell me about her. 

Pan 

Some other day. Is not one story sufficient 
for one morning? 

The Idiot 

Well, it was a beautiful story ! I will repeat 
it to the rivulets on the hillside, that they 



Orthodoxy 33 



may babble it over, and have it memorized 
in time to tell it to the sea, when they shall 
reach it! 

Pan 

Hast seen those young robins yet — the ones 
of which I told you? Your tutoring would 
help them learn to fly. Be sure now that 
this afternoon you go. . . . 

The Minister 

We will now rise and unite as nearly as 
possible in singing hymn number five hun- 
dred and fifteen. Hymn number five hun- 
dred and fifteen. 

The Congregation [sings'] 

The Church's one foundation 

Has long been lost to sight, 
It now is the creation 

Of greed, convention, fright. 
From honest superstition, 

Full long we have been free, 
But still we must maintain 

Re-spec-ta-bil-i-ty 1 y 

Amen I 



34 Orthodoxy 



The Idiot \_clappi7tg his hands loudly, and 
jumping up and down with glee at some sug- 
gestion of Pan^s^ 

That will be fine! And afterward, we will 
dance! 

The Idiot's Mother [shaking him by the 
shoulder^ 

Stop staring and mouthing at that window! 
[The Idiot makes a terrible, inarticulate 
sound in reply to her. It is evident that he 
cannot talk to humans^ 

The Minister 

The lesson for to-day will be found in the 
third verse of the thirty-second chapter of the 
book of Exodus. " And all the people brake 
off the golden earrings which were in their 
ears, and brought them unto Aaron. And 
he received them at their hand, and fash- 
ioned it with a graving tool, after he had 
made it a molten calf: and they said, these 
be thy Gods, O Israel. 



j» 



The Idiot [together with PanJ 
O joy! O joy! 



Orthodoxy 35 



The Idiot^s Mother [angry^ 

Shut up, can't you! This is no place for 

such things! 

[The Idiot repeats his inarticulate noise^ 

Pan 

As I was about to remark. . . > 

The Minister 

Let us pray! Oh, darn it all! I have to 
make this prayer longer than the first! I 
have to talk on and on and on and On for 
twenty minutes. If I talk less, I'll hear of 
it from the deacons. On and on and on and 
on ! One eye on the clock, though both eyes 
appear shut! On and on! Is the time up 
yet? No! Two minutes more! On and 
on and on ! Just filling the time with mean- 
ingless words. Ah ! Time's up ! 
and hear us as we say \_the Congregation 
joins him^ Our Father, who art a safe dis- 
tance away in a hypothetical place called 
Heaven, give us this day our daily bread 
and all the other things we want: give us, 
give us, give us, give, give, give! Amen! 



36 OrthodoxV 



Pan [laughs loudly ~\ 

You have hit it right! The interesting 
things in life are the difficult ones — and to 
prove it, this very afternoon we will hang 
garlands on the guinea-pigs' tails, shoe the 
snakes' feet, and make a portrait of the 
wind I 

The Idiot 

Won't that be clever of us? And useful, 
tool 

The Minister 

The notices for the week are as follows. On 
Tuesday evening at half past seven, the 
Mothers' Meeting will take place. It will 
be attended chiefly by old maids, as usual. 
Wednesday evening, the Missionary Society 
w^ill meet in the chapel, as heretofore. Mr. 
O. Phool will speak about the vital neces- 
sity of neglecting our own slums entirely, 
and sending out a few more or less illiterate 
men and women to try and uproot the an- 
cient philosophic religion of China. All are 
welcome. On Thursday evening the usual 



Orthodoxy 37 



bluff, very similar to this present one, will 
be held in the chapel. Our neighbor, the 
church in the next town, extends a well-cal- 
culated invitation to the members of this 
congregation to attend the unveiling of a 
perfectly ridiculous monument which they 
have erected in memory of the late Bishop 
of this diocese. They hope all of you will 
come and help make a good crowd. The 
Sunday morning Institution for Befogging 
the Minds of the Young will take place in 
the basement of this church immediately 
after this service. All are welcome to stay 
and gloat over it. You will now be fleeced 
of the usual money in the usual fashion. I 
hope you will all contribute generously. In- 
asmuch as my salary comes out of it, this is 
always a rather anxious and embarrassing 
time for me. So I will retire behind the 
desk and try to look unconscious. 
\_The Minister seats himself. The organ 
plays softly, and the Sexton, taking the plate 
from the communion-table, passes it along 
the aisle. The Congregation speak as they 
drop in their offeringsJi 



38 Orthodoxy 



The Ancient Woman 

My usual small bit. The show is worth it! 

The Minister's Wife 

My copper, for appearance sake. Oh, that 
roast of beef in the oven at home ! 

The Land Agent 

Half a dollar, or they will think my busi- 
ness is failing! 

The Sexton 
Stingy ! 

The Butcher 

A part of that over-charge, just in case, 
it will ease my mind. 

First Young Girl 

See what a dainty hand I have! 

Second Young Girl 

I hope that he whom I love sees how gen- 
erously I give! 

Third Young Girl 

I had far rather buy a ribbon with it! 



Orthodoxy 39 

The Sexton [turning from them with a crit- 
ical air'\ 

The eldest is not so attractive after all: she 
has a pimple on her chin! 

First Youth 

I will put in nothing, for my friend here is 
going to put in two coins, and if I make the 
motions of contributing, no one but the sex- 
ton will know. 
[^Second Youth contributes^ 

Third Youth 

I would not give this were it not that I still 
have enough to buy a drink with later! 

The Basso \^to the Soprano ^ who apparently 
agrees with himJi 

We are lucky to escape that. They don't 
pass the plate up here! 

The Contralto [to herself} 

I will keep my little coin to drop in the 
poor-box as I go out. 

[Pan laughs and she smiles at him, not see' 
ing, but only hearing him} 



40 Orthodoxy 



First Farmhand 

It's cruel to make us give up part of a hard- 
earned wage for this ! 

The Rich Bachelor 

This gives me pride ! I am sure no one else 

will give as much as I do ! 

[^The Idiot repeats his inarticulate sound~\ 

His Mother 

Shut up I Don't disgrace me just as I'm giv- 
ing a decent bit of money to the plate I 

The Old Maid 

I will fumble with my purse as long as pos- 
sible, that you may be obliged to stand near, 
man! 

The Sexton 

Ugh ! There is a vile odor of peppermint 
about you. \_Turning away with the plate, 
and looking the coins over furtively'\ 
Bah! A wretched collection! But see how 
magnificently I will march up the aisle 
with it! 
\^The Sexton retires~\ 



Orthodoxy 41 

Pan 

Yes, dear comrade, with pleasure! Here 
Is a handful of fresh air for you I [He 
makes a gesture of tossing, A breeze blows 
inl 

The Idiot 

Thanks ! I drink your health with it I 

The Minister 

Let us try to sing in the same time and 
key, the hymn number five hundred and 
twenty-four. Hymn number five hundred and 
twenty-four ! 

The Congregation [sings~\ 

From Greenland's icy mountains 
To India's coral strand, 
Where Afric's sunny fountains 
Roll down their golden sand, 
From every ancient city 
From modern town or old. 
We hear the single cry of 
" O let us work for gold ! " 

Amen! 



42 Orthodoxy 



The Idiot 

I sing, I sing! [^Repeats his inarticulate 
soundly 

His Mother 
Be still, fool I 

Pan 

I laugh! Ha! Ha! 

[^The Idiot and Pan laugli together'] 

The Minister 

My text for to-day will be found in the third 
verse of the sixth chapter of St. Matthew: 
*' Let not thy left hand know what thy 
right hand doeth." I use this text because it 
is a popular one : one which we are all pretty 
well in sympathy with, and live by, consci- 
entiously, rather than because it has anything 
so very much to do with my sermon. How- 
ever, that is of little importance, for it 
Is possible to twist any text into any de- 
sired meaning: indeed its breadth of meaning 
Is dependent only upon the wit of the min-* 
Ister, and If I was quicker of wit, you would 



Orthodoxy 43 

not stand for what I would then wish to 
preach. Neither, my brethren, would I be 
here in this stupid little town: I'd be in 
a swell church In a big city, where the women 
would make me really valuable presents! 
Well, I suppose I'd better get back to the 
text, although, of course, it's much more 
amusing to me to talk about myself. '' Let 
not thy right hand know what thy left hand 
doeth ! " Reflect, dear friends, on the beauty 
of that thought — on Its practical common 
sense! We all know how desirable is the 
ability to fool ourselves, and how compar- 
atively few of us have attained perfection In 
that art. But we can — If we strive earnestly 
— we can all acquire the habit of fooling 
ourselves part of the time : In other words, 
we can do one thing with one hand, and 
actually blind ourselves as to what we are 
doing with the other, even though it coun- 
teracts the first action entirely! We can 
beam kindly on our neighbor and lend him 
money at usury, and then give Instructions to 
a secret partner to foreclose on that neigh- 
bor at the earliest opportunity. How sIm- 



44 Orthodoxy 



pie. Yet the application of this great 
maxim — " Let not thy right hand know " — ■ 
can be made even more simple and direct. 
We can, for example, shake hands with a 
man with our right hand, and abstract his 
watch with our left! In this case, plainly, 
our hands are doing exactly opposite things. 
Your innocent right hand, and your equally 
innocent left, are blameless because you have 
stood betw^een them, obeying the precept of 
the great author of our text! Never, my 
friends, my brethren, never believe but that 
you can live in accordance with the teach- 
ings of the great prophets and, more espe- 
cially, by the examples set forth in the book 
of books ! Think not that all the examples 
set forth therein are too difficult for modern 
humanity to attain ! It Is not so, my breth- 
ren, it is not so! Did not David steal his 
neighbor's wife? He did! And who was 
it got a vineyard by a false foreclosure, but 
his son? Can not this sort of thing be done 
to-day? It can, my brethren, It can, if you 
will but try hard enough! And many vil- 
lainies beside, all of which you can justify. 



Orthodoxy 45 



if you will, by precedent in the book of 
books ! Try it, my friends — try it, I beg 
of you. Strive earnestly, and you will find 
that you can do pretty nearly anything and 
get away with it, provided you come here 
regularly, and so, keep my job going for me. 
Remember, that if you are sufficiently ortho- 
dox, the Bible is infallible. Whether you 
live by the first half of it or by the second, 
is really of no importance to the church. You 
must simply acknowledge its infallibility, and 
then choose your half. I advise the older 
part. The Bible is infallible. You believe 
in it: therefore you are orthodox. The 
Bible is infallible, but it is contradictory. So 
is infallibility. Infallibly so! So perhaps 
contradiction is infallible. 

Now that I have given you a sermon 
which you did not feel obliged to listen to 
(In accordance with the terms of my con- 
tract) instead of what I would like to say, I 
will stop. If you really knew what I hon- 
estly believe, you would be astonished. But 
It Is better for you to remain In ignorance, 
and better for me. Indeed, a slightly altered 



46 Orthodoxy 



form of to-day's text would fit me admirably. 
"Let not thy right mind know what thy 
wrong is doing, lest you go mad!" \_He 
closes his eyes and stretches out his hands^ 
And now one short prayer more. This is the 
last, thank fortune, and the least difficult. 
I'll just say a word or two further. That 
will do. Amen! 

l^The Choir sings alone, the Congregation 
standing^ 

The Choir [sings'] 

Praise to the leading social light, 

And to the rich sing praise: 
But most of all let's praise ourselves, 
No matter what our ways. 

Amen! 
[^Tune, dox. ^66] 

The Minister [with outstretched hands] 
Let us go to dinner ! Amen ! 

[The instant the Minister stops speaking, 
the Congregation begins to bustle out, most 
indecorously, all talking at once] 



Orthodoxy 47 



Pan [above the din of talk^ 

Meet you at the door, comrade ! Ha ! ha ! 
ha! ha! ]^He leaps down and disappears^ 
[The Idiot rushes off from his mother, un- 
reproved. Gradually the crowd thins out, 
with characteristic action on the part of the 
named characters, until there is no one left 
except the Sexton, who is busy with the col- 
lection-plate, by the pulpit. A zvait. Then, 
into the vivid patch of sunlight at the open 
door, there steps the ragged form of a 
Stranger. He is young, but bearded, and 
wears a voluminous cloak of rough mate- 
rial. He is bare-footed, bare-headed, and 
carries a long staff like a shepherd^ s crook. 
The sun is vivid behind his golden headj 

The Stranger [entering only as far as the 
doorsilll 
What a fine place this Is! 

The Sexton [putting the collection money into 
his pocket and hurrying down the aisle in 
a fine rage at sight of the shabby intruder^ 



48 Orthodoxy 



Yes, a very fine and expensive building. But 
you will have to get out. I am closing up ! 

The Stranger [retreats a trifle before the 
rough gesture of the Sexton^^ 
Closing so fine and large a house! Is it 
left empty, then? 

The Sexton 

All the week. Why not? 

The Stranger 

Empty all through the week ! Then perhaps 
I can find lodging here ! 

The Sexton 

Ha! ha! Lodging here! Viol h.o\ That's 
a good one! [They step out on to the porch, 
the Sexton pushing out the Stranger^ Lodg- 
ing. Oh ! ha ! ha ! Don't you recognize this 
place, don't you know what place this is? 

The Stranger 

What strange place Is it? 



Orthodoxy 49 

The Sexton 

Why, you Idiot I It Is the house of God! 
l^He shuts the door with a hang, closing him- 
self and the Stranger out. The key is heard 
to turn in the lock, raspinglyl 

CURTAIN 



